My Emotional Scars and Subconscious. Written 9/12/11

Last night I had a dream that I was reunited with my daughters. I found out at the last minute that they would be with me over a Fourth of July weekend. In my dream, where time and travel often have no boundaries, we decided to go to a beach in Florida. The timing of my dream was a bit off because I didn’t meet up with my daughters until I arrived at the hotel room. I can only say that I hope the real thing will be as good as my dream. My girls, who had visibly grown since the last time I’d seen them, yelled “Daddy!” and attacked me with hugs. After the heartfelt reunion, we decide to hit the water so we suited up. My mind was racing about safety issues. How bad was the undertow in the ocean? Are the girls, strong swimmers? Did I have the maximum SPF sunblock? I knew I had to have every safety issue nailed down because I could lose them again if there was one oversight or accident. After I covered all of the bases, I was confident that we would have a trouble free day of fun in the sun. The girls and I were only outside for a little while before we noticed lightening far out in the ocean. Not wanting to take any chances we went back to the hotel room to watch a movie. It was truly a wonderful moment. I was lounging in a big recliner with both of my daughters sitting on the armrests, snuggling up next to dad. There was no place in the world I would have rather been than holding on to my precious angels.

A short time later we decided to go grocery shopping, as we always liked to do, for supplies for dinner. The date was July 5^th because I received a text message from the girls’ mother stating that she had scheduled doctor appointments for the girls on July 4^th but I never took them. My mind started racing. Did I forget? Did she tell me about the appointment? Why would the pediatrician schedule appointments on Fourth of July weekend? It was then that I received the gut wrenching news. My ex-wife sent another text that she was going to tell the court. I was scared that I would have to go back to jail and would lose my daughters forever. Then I woke up.

The only reoccurring dream that I have on any regular basis is a dream that I somehow lose my teeth. I’ve always attributed it to the hellish years I wore metal contraptions to straighten my teeth and to correct an overbite. Dreams about jail and losing my daughters are becoming more common. I’ve had dreams that my little girls found a new father. I’ve had dreams where I have appeared in public wearing my orange jail clothes. I tell people that I have to go back to jail before the guards notice that I am gone. These dreams are becoming more common. They are subconscious fears that I may have to deal with for the rest of my life.

This is another aspect of the damage that people like Judge James D. Humphrey and Prosecutor F. Aaron Negangard have inflicted on me. Am I going to get out of jail? Yes. Will I get to see my daughters again? Most definitely. Will I carry emotional scars that will haunt me from time to time throughout the rest of my life? Probably. I just hope that my daughters are young enough to escape most of the permanent scars and damage. But that’s why I remain on the path I’m currently walking. No child, mother, or father should fall victim to evil people like Judge Humphrey and Prosecutor Negangard. The harder they work to destroy me only makes me stronger. At least my daughters will someday understand how their daddy’s love is boundless and unfaltering.